With two young children it is near impossible to get out on dates or even meet a partner, and, to be honest it’s the last thing on my mind right now. My hearts really not in it and the thought of having to get ready, find a babysitter, shave my legs and do my hair etc., just for a date, seems like too much hard work. I do, however, live in hope that I will meet someone eventually and, as most people say, you meet the right person when you are least looking. Problem is, most women seem to meet their husbands at work and, as I work from home, it looks like I’m going to be hooking up with a home invader….
In view of the fact that I am ‘home invader-less’ right now I’ve done a bit of internet dating and a guy through my work also wants to be ‘friends’. The catch is internet dating seems to work on the premise that ‘The odds are good, but the goods are odd’ and the man through work is also the ‘married but she doesn’t understand me and we stay together for the kids sake’ type. Oh yawn. I am most certainly not going there. I have always found it quite strange why anyone would stay together for the sake of the children. It so old school and ‘twin set and pearls’ quaint. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going home and sharing a house, eating dinner with and jumping into bed with someone I secretly disliked. It would totally stop me from having regular bowel movements.
Anyway, the funny thing is, constipation aside, the more I ignore the internet suitors and the married men, the more they persevere. Today I was contacted by an old married friend on FB, it was 2.30am in the UK, ‘I’m just up late and feeling horny’, he said, ‘Shall we Skype or Snapchat?’. Of course I declined with a ‘get f*cked’ and before I de-friended him I quickly checked out his FB wall. It’s his wife’s 30th birthday this weekend and she’s expecting a diamond ring from him. When he’s singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to her I’ll try and interrupt it with a ‘Snap Chat’ session. See how much he likes that, wanker. (There’s also a lump of coal, diamond, constipation joke there too, isn’t there?).
Anyhow, as far as internet dating goes there is currently ‘Boy Woy’ and a promising ‘Mockney Lawyer’ that appears to ‘get me’.
The last ten unsolicited texts from ‘BoyWoy’ ended as follows; ‘I’ve had a few wines…Think I want you’, this was accompanied by a selfie in his bedroom, thankfully clothed, in three quarter length camo cargo pants and way too much hair gel. Come to think of it; naked may have been an improvement. Yawn.
The last e-mail from the promising hot ‘Mockey Lawyer’ used the word ‘nomenclature’ in it and, I’m going to sound really uneducated here, I didn’t have the faintest idea what he was going on about so had to Wickipedia it. Can you date someone that you have to Wickipedia? Shit, if there’s no internet connection I’ll have to carry a dictionary and thumb through it secretly in the toilet.
More to follow….