My work server has been down all week which means I’ve had no e-mails; this has resulted in sitting around waiting for the zillion e-mails I generally receive on a daily basis.
While waiting. This is what I have done all week….
Read reviews on magnetic eyelashes……..and purchased.
Purchased 98 multiple patterned toilet rolls.
Designed graffiti, made out of moss, for an outside wall at my house AND went out for a walk and sourced the moss.
Looked online at a Golden Retriever and it’s green pup.
Spent one hour being disappointed that MSN had removed the ‘comments’ section. WHY, WHY?……Then spent five minutes every hour staring aimlessly at the computer wondering why it still wasn’t back on.
Stalked all the partners of my Facebook friends and worked out which ones I would marry if they carked it/got divorced (male and female). Then Googled ‘could I be bisexual?’. I then decided that if I ‘was’ to get married…….I would probably have to shave my legs every day. And that is not going to happen.
Decided that I didn’t want to get married so Googled ‘what is an Applet?’ and ‘What is Rich Media?’….and still have no idea.
I then spent quite a bit of time looking at female Ninja Warriors that have finished the course, thinking, ‘I could do that’ and ‘Put your tits away’.
Then I read the fuss about the deaf Australian Ninja Warier; but MSN comments were still not available, so that wasn’t very interesting, it did, however, link me to the dead Ninja stuntman. So I read that.
I then remembered to Google my daughters request for a school project that was; ‘What sound does a Unicorn make?’. I’m still not convinced I have got a result for her.
On Tuesday I spent an hour on line Googling various topics like……..
‘Can my children see ghosts?’
Tara Reid’s new look.
Delta Goodrems advert that got banned because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
Pinks ‘Mommy shaming. BOTH occasions; cooking AND the microwave.
Is Kate pregnant?
And, ‘Louise Minchin suffers embarrassing wardrobe malfunction on BBC Breakfast’. I have no idea who she is and why she was wearing such an ugly dress back to front, but it did prompt me to throw out the exact same dress hanging in my wardrobe.
I then just wrote random comments (clearly not on MSN) saying that I had felt the Avalon earthquake in Potts Point and joined various forums discussing the chance of a tsunami. The conclusion; lots of people have way too much free time.
By mid week I was a bit more productive and decided to put together a cunning plan to stop my children loving McDonalds so much. I saved the video of the alive chicks going into the mincer and coming out as pink goo and proudly showed it to the kids in the evening. My daughter burst into tears and Danger, my son, just laughed and ran around the house pretending to be a chicken.
Googled ‘Is my son a psychopath?’
By Thursday e-mail still wasn’t sorted so I started to communicate via text, phone and messenger. One customer even Facetimed me without warning. Which is odd as I really only Facetime people by accident in my bag. I have no idea if she had worked out that my hair was tied up with a pair of knickers, or if she thought I had gone ‘all 80’s’ with a scrunchy. It was a lot like talking to my mum on Skype; just reversed on this occasion
I then spent A LOT of time looking at the beauty/travel blogger Amelia Liana’s Instagram account and shouting ‘you photo shopped yourself in!’ and ‘What’s with the pink filter?’ at my lap top.
Her trip to Italy had me in stiches and I really couldn’t work out how she found a couple of Lobsters at Lake Como; until I realised they were a pair of Alohas Sandals.
Made an appointment with the optometrist.
Italy made me reminisce about my own time living there; eating my body weight in Pannacotta, learning how to say ‘Bruschetta’ correctly, driving my own Fiat into other Fiats and buying shit in Auchan. I also realised that I had been to Ponte Vecchio on quite a few occasions and had absolutely no idea how ‘Amelia’ successfully pulled off a midday picnic like that.
(Come to think of it; where on earth does she purchase designer shoes for her enormous size 12 feet?).
Punto Vecchio in reality looks more like this….(with lots of normal sized feet).
Based on that I needed to find out more on Amelia Liana. Was Gina Liano her secret mum (I’ll let you do the comparison) and how did Amelia manage to photo shop herself onto a private YSL jet to Paris? Wiki gave me nothing; so I just resorted to just thinking she was just a lucky girl with an outdated balayage and a dog that must spend an inordinate amount of time in kennels………(while she is at home photo shopping herself into Marrakesh). I concluded that she must have been short of time when photo shopping herself against a pink wall in LA.
Anyway, with enthusiasm I started photo shopping myself and the kids into exotic destinations; believing that I too could have this as a new career and have loads of Insta followers. I stopped once I photo shopped the kids guinea pig, Squeak, visiting the Taj Mahal.
On Thursday afternoon I decided to pick my son up early from day-care. He simply shouted ‘McDonalds’ at me and continued to follow my daughter around the house all evening doing his chicken impressions.
Cue tears from my daughter.
And me frantically Googling:
‘Help, my son is a psychopath’ and,
‘How to make Vegan friendly nuggets’.
This morning my work e-mails started to come through. So back to work we go! I did manage, however, to look at a video on how to neatly fold my undies up into little spring rolls ready to pop into my bag with a tampon. Sadly, on practising, my nanna knickers looked more like a rolled up sleeping bag smoking a white cigar with a tail.
On a more positive note I do now know that a unicorn sounds like a ‘harpsicord on crack’ or a ‘neigh with tinkling in the background’.
Not sure how my daughter is going to present that at school though…………